I found myself in an interesting spot last week. I was running a training session focused on mindset for a group tackling a new pricing model. What I didn't expect was having to nearly stop the whole thing and veer completely off-course into the basics of respectful communication.
This happens more than we'd like to admit. We invest significant time and energy in getting groups together to share strategy and pre-frame important changes. Then, we watch that effort go completely to waste because the fundamental listening skills aren't on point.
The intention was positive. People wanted to get everyone on the same page. But – it was starting to feel like a debate. Yes, but..." responses flew around the room faster than excuses after a missed deadline.
And I know from my high school debating career (because that’s exactly how cool I was) – that debates only entrench people more in the side for which they are arguing.
So I went to the most powerful tool to transform communication.
The talking stick concept. Not the one you think you know. The way the tool actually was deployed.
The common understanding of the talking stick is that it’s a tool to make sure one person talks at a time – you can only talk if you have the stick. And if that was all it was, all it would be is a tool to make sure we don’t interrupt each other while we misunderstand each other.
The real tool is much more powerful than that. The rule is that the person just finished talking doesn’t pass the stick over to you until you can tell them what they’ve just said. Only when you can do that to their satisfaction, to the point where they agree you have correctly grasped their point, do they hand it over for you to say your piece.
That is a significantly different way to have a conversation. It’s about more than interruption. It reminds us that if we want to be heard, we need to earn that right by demonstrating what we have been hearing.
It’s not about the worn-out line “I understand what you’re saying” – it’s demonstrating that understanding with the ability to mirror back the person’s thoughts.
All too often, when someone shares a perspective, rather than taking it in, the next person is already mentally rehearsing their rebuttal. That's not dialogue - it's just sequential monologues. What I find fascinating is that had I simply said, "Seek first to understand," most people in the room would have nodded sagely. It's one of those principles everyone agrees with intellectually but struggles to practice. When you're facing conflicting viewpoints, especially around something tension-inducing, the natural response is defensive. We want to protect our position rather than understand someone else's.
But here's what happened when I paused the session and insisted on reflective listening. The entire energy in the room shifted. There was an almost visible sense of relief as people finally felt heard. Small changes in what we do create big impacts.
As we roll out changes that will inevitably create friction, we need to equip our people with more than just the technical details. They need the tools to navigate the human reactions those changes will trigger. This isn't soft skills fluff. This is hardwired human psychology. When people feel unheard, they become entrenched. When they feel heard, they become open to compromise. The training your team likely needs isn't just about how to explain the new ‘whatever it is’, it's about how to hear the concerns behind the objections they'll receive.
If you want your team equipped for conflict management, start with these basics:
- Full attention - no devices, no mental rehearsal of responses
- Reflective listening – “It sounds to me like…” or “It seems like you’re worried about…” before responding
- Genuine curiosity - questions that seek to understand, not trap or lead
- Patience with silence - allowing space for thought rather than rushing to fill gaps
I've seen teams transform their effectiveness not by changing their strategy but by changing how they listen to each other. The same principles apply whether you're managing internal conflicts or navigating customer conversations about changes they may not welcome.
We spend enormous resources on crafting the perfect message, but relatively little on creating the conditions for that message to be heard. Next time you're planning a major change or preparing for a difficult conversation, ask yourself: Have we invested as much in our listening skills as we have in our talking points?
Because the secret to managing conflict isn't in what you say - it's in how you hear what others are saying.
There isn't a relationship in our lives that we can’t significantly improve by getting better at this one skill. Not with your customers, not with your team, not with your leadership, not at home. And in a world of constant noise, becoming the person who truly listens might be the greatest competitive advantage of all.
